SXSW 2013..er..14: The Rules According To This Motherf$#ker

L-I-V-I-N

Words by guest contributor and general rawk GOD, Chris Smith

Editors Note: Over the years, the annual music industry summer camp known as SXSW has grown from the coolest little music conference that could, to a nigh full blown music festival headlined by the likes of...well everyone...at once. But while the years may have brought on an increase in scope and line size (oh the lines) there are a few simple truths that have remained universal. Truths that we are now proud to present to you by way of a man that's been there and back again...and again...and again. Unfiltered. Unedited. This is SXSW and how to survive it. 

FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT

Ditch your friends.  Your friends are a drain on your time and sanity and will do everything they can to keep you from making it to see your favorite band, who happens to be playing 20 blocks away in 10 minutes.  Your friends need babysitting, will waste many valuable minutes deciding which fucking slice of pizza to get, “just need[ing] to sit down for a few minutes”, confidence boosts, wingmanning and most importantly, rest, which will totally fuck up your game plan.  With that said, you will meet far more interesting and beautiful people along the way who are way more into your sub-genres than your disc golf buddies.  As an added bonus, they will also think you are interesting because they don't know you and they are probably drunk, even though its 10 AM.  Be careful however don't let them in too close or you'll have to ditch your new friends, who are not yet used to your flakiness and childish behavior.  

SECOND

Maintain a constant level of dehydration.  Waiting in line to pee and peeing are 2 of the largest cumulative time killers of your week.  Drinking 8 cups of water in addition to the requisite 29 cans of beer a day will stop you from seeing at least a dozen sets during the course of the week.  Drink beer, eat some salt or have a pickle, but stay off the water.  Professionals such as myself also endorse such products as Nuun for perfect electrolyte balance for SXSW benders.

THIRD

Don't get a fucking tattoo on day 1 of SXSW.  This is possibly the only dumber idea than getting your dick pierced right before your uncle takes you to a whorehouse for your 18th birthday.

FOURTH

Wash your goddamn hands anytime you see running water and/or soap.  A bar of soap on the last day of SXSW has the street value of a 1/2 gram of cocaine, and will last way longer.  This is not Bonnaroo people - get your shit together.  

FIFTH

Don't eat.  Eating is a time consuming, expensive and boring when you are alone.  All of your favorite places to eat raise their prices for SXSW week and treat you like a dick because they have been treating like hammered shit by the entirety of the east and west coasts for the last ten days.  If you must, stock some protein bars in your bag and sneak a bite or two after each bowl.  

SIXTH

Acid.  Lots of acid.  But remember, you build up tolerance fast and your brain can only process similar dosages every few days so take it every third day or man up, pace and take a hit every 7 or 8 hours for the full bender experience. 

SEVENTH

You’re not going to get laid.  Give up.  Nobody gets laid at SXSW

Words to live by. WORDS. TO. LIVE. BY.